Sometimes I think having Borderline Personality Disorder is like being a sponge.
This rings true in so many ways. Innocuous, I can’t tell you what type of music I like, I’ll love what you love, not because I’m a sheep but I honestly can’t make up my own mind. I could show you my Spotify playlists; The Beatles, Lil’ John, Joy Division, Elvis, Taylor Swift. It’s a combination of everyone I’ve met, which is not ideal because the second they leave me those songs become tainted.
What do I want to eat for dinner? No, please don’t make me choose! What do you wanna get? I can’t decide and I’ll love anything you pick.
Treat me like I matter and I’ll prove to you that I do, I’m so fucking eager to please and I’ll do anything for that validation. I need it, I’ll soak it up, it’s a drug to me and I’ll do anything just for a little bit more. I’ll degrade myself, I’ll hold back all of my my thoughts and insecurities, I’ll change myself to please you, just tell me how.
Leave me alone and I become a dried up husk, I don’t feel anything.
Call me a monster and I’ll believe you, worse, maybe I’ll even become one. It turns my world upside down and I can become our mutual worst nightmare. That typical Borderline Bitch who isn’t worth anything. Throw your insults at me; they’ll become part of me and I’ll throw some back even harder. Or I’ll shut down. You’re right, I’m filth, I shouldn’t talk to anyone, both myself and everyone else would be better off for it.
Unfortunately, the last scenario I mentioned is my current one. I’ve had some tough difficult situations lately and it’s hard to separate what’s true and what’s not. I don’t think I’m good for anyone at the moment. I’m determined not to initiate conversations, if I matter they can come to me… they won’t come to me.
I used to think I was writing this blog as my part of challenging the stigma and I know that’s true. That said, I think I need this for me, to able to look back and gain some perspective. I know in this moment that I’m not good for anyone and no one’s been good for me. I can’t lose my conviction. I need to withdraw, I need to become that dried up sponge that doesn’t feel anything because feeling everything is too hard.