I just can’t focus on work. I’m exhausted, upset and confused. I don’t know if I want to sob at my desk or bang my head against a wall. I feel so completely and utterly trapped, it’s suffocating. I think this is probably something that the majority of people with BPD will struggle with at some point; feeling like you’re judged for the person that you used to be, or for the person that you could be if shit really hits the fan.
I was actually doing pretty okay today, I’d go as far as to say that I was in a good mood, then someone told me that they felt awkward spending time with me because I’d had conflicts with mutual friends in the past.
It feels like every time I make progress I’m reminded of the fact that I’ve let people down and that there’s no getting past that. It’s near impossible to focus on getting better when no one believes you are capable of it. I do wonder if this is something that BPD folks just have to get used to: someone experiences the worst of us and no matter what they did to contribute to a negative situation, or what we’ve done to try to make things right, to some people we’ll always just belong in the “too much drama” box. I think for them it’s just easier that way, most relationships come with ups and downs but with us it’s a guarantee that there’ll be a lot of both.
It’s easiest to forget about us and just leave us to rot alone.
I’d like to say that it’s their loss. That they’ll miss out on the new and improved Clementine. I’ve made so much progress, or at least I think that I have when I’m doing better than this. But all it takes is one offhand comment and I’m back to this leaking mess. I’m crying in an empty classroom wondering if the progress was all in my head.
If you are reading this as someone who has a person with BPD in your life, I’d just really like to make one thing clear. Make your judgements off the person who we are, not who we used to be on a bad day. Don’t look for our worst, look at the whole package. Talk to us, not about us.
Yeah, this stuff we do and say can seem absurd from the outside, but if you actually try to understand our perspective we’re not so alien.
I mentioned there’ll be ups and downs. There are a lot of ups, for me I feel like it manifests in compassion. I’ll do anything for the people in my life who value me… hell, even those who don’t even though I’ll kick myself for it later. Yes, we’re sensitive, but that also means we understand your emotions when you’re having it rough. And based off what I’ve seen our capacity for forgiveness often outweighs most. My friendships which fell apart this year were never solely my fault and usually involved people bailing on me when I was suicidal, but I’d forgive them in a heartbeat if they were capable of accepting some responsibility for the situation and uttering the sentence “Yeah, I fucked up” or even “Wanna eat some cheese together?”.
It’s hard to see it when I’m at my worst, but the ups are stronger than the downs. My compassion is stronger than their judgement.