This is probably going to be a fairly short post, but I just wanted to check in and update everyone on how I’ve been going. About a week ago I decided to share my blog on Facebook. I had previously kept my diagnosis to myself and a few select others. It’s true that I wanted to do my part to help tear stigma down but I felt it was a necessary step for me personally; many of the issues I’ve had with people stems from feeling like I am not often understood by the people in my life, this ends up creating a cycle of isolation. I hide because I’m misunderstood, I’m misunderstood because I hide.
It would be very easy for me to focus on the negative right now, and there are things about this experience that do hurt. I haven’t heard from many of the people in my life that I once considered close, former best friends and immediate family members included.
I am trying desperately to focus on those unexpected positive responses. Friends from university offering words of encouragement. Casual friends, the kind you’ll have great chats to at parties but don’t form super deep connections with, sent me heartwarming messages offering support and easing my fears.
….and yet my shitty BPD mind slowly veers back to the disappointments. People who I loved deeply who don’t even want to hear how I’m going. Does hearing about my mental health make them feel guilty, or are they really so disinterested? Cue spiral.
All in all, I don’t regret sharing my experiences so publicly. I’m so grateful for all of the positive feedback I’ve received and makes the hours I’ve spent writing in here all the more worth it. It’s given me confidence which has been in short supply these days.
My partner and my psychologist seemed proud of me, it’s been awhile since I’ve really felt like I’ve made anyone proud. Hell, it’s been awhile since I’ve done anything that one should be proud of. I think I’m sometimes I’m even proud of myself, which anyone who knows me well knows that is an incredibly rare feeling.
I’m finally in a place in my life where I can take some ownership for where my life is at and where it’s going to go from here. I’ve been a mess, I’m still a mess, but I’m a recovering mess. A mess that is capable of cleaning itself up.
PS: I’m fairly determined to keep this blog going, if there is anything that people would like to see explored a bit more or questions you have about BPD please do not hesitate to contact me.