When mulling over what hits me hardest about my decaying mental health exhaustion isn’t generally a factor which screams out at me, it is more like a constant travelling companion. I think that’s why it’s so easy to overlook; it’s always there but always quiet, it’s just another burden I’m carrying along the way.
Despite it’s silence, of all of these puzzle pieces I’ve identified it’s probably one of the most dangerous. It wears into me constantly, filling my head with the mantra “why don’t you just give up?”. Another appointment, another change of meds, another friend who doesn’t understand, another day of work where I’m spoken down to, another waste time because I just can’t focus on anything.
When people talk about mental health recovery they tell you it won’t be easy. They tell you about how intense therapy will be. They tell you about how it feels like shit finding out the hard way who your true friends are. They tell you how much the wrong medication can fuck with you. All of this is true.
But if anyone told me how mentally and physically exhausting this was going to be I’m not sure I ever would have tried to change things.
I do wonder if that’ll be the thing that finally makes me snap, give up completely on trying to fix the things going on in my life. Not the pain, just the sheer fact that I am so fucking tired of all of this in every possible way.
It sounds bleak, but I’m not sure it’s a bad thing. Trying to fix things, talking to people, taking handfuls of meds each day, keeping up an exercise regime, self-teaching DBT; so often I feel like none of this is getting me anywhere. I often feel like I’m doing more harm than good fighting all of this. I do wonder if things would go better if I had it in me to just stop.
My BPD won’t let me, not yet anyway. The impulse to do just do something, talk to someone, desperately try to fix things; it outweighs the knowledge that I’ll just feel like shit regardless of the outcome. BPD is lonely, devastating and all together a complete mindfuck. However, I think the cruelest part of this illness is how much it wears you down until you just want to give up and stay in bed, only it just won’t let you.
