Note: I’m feeling kinda down and numb today, so this is fairly whiny (…because ya’ll aren’t used to that from me :p). Don’t read if you aren’t prepared for a bummer.
I’m not sure I have any trust left, with the obvious exception of my fiance. Even that isn’t consistent, when I’m doing bad my faith wavers and I feel so guilty for it. I’m scared to trust. Every time I feel like I’m punished for it. Abandoned, ostracized and shunned. Within the past year two of the three people I had the most faith in have turned tail and ran. My judgement means nothing; I don’t even trust myself.
I would identify these severe trust issues as a major area for improvement, one of the first things I ought to work on along my recovery… I would but the need spare myself the pain that comes from being repeatedly let down trumps the need to give back to the people who may have actually earned my faith. Is that wrong? Does that make me a bad person? I fear that among you there are those who would say so. I would agree. I want to be strong enough to be a positive force in the lives of those I love but I’m just too weak.
I know that among those reading my blog exists those on both sides of this fence; those from whom I deserved better and those who deserve better from me. I can’t figure out who is who, and I know it’s not as clear cut as all of that. I think I’m splitting too quickly, there’s this constant flickering inside my head and I can’t make it stop.
I’m supposed to see in black and white. I wish that were true, it sounds easy. There’s just this ugly grey mess.