I think I intended this one to have some sort of purpose or over arching theme, but it just morphed into a depressing stream of consciousness again. Sorry!
I am frustrated. I am exhausted. I am scared. Every corner of my life feels like it’s laced with hostility or anxiety. I don’t feel comfortable. I don’t feel safe.
I don’t mean to use these things as excuses, but surely it’s somewhat understandable that I feel pushed within an inch of my sanity and I just can’t take it sometimes? Perhaps it’s not, but I did want to explain where I’m coming from in an effort to bridge some understanding. Why am I like this? Why is this girl just so unbearable? I feel like a caged animal who is going mad. It feels like any time I try to explain my feelings to someone in my life I’m told I’m wrong. How can I be wrong about my feelings? These are at the core of me, sometimes they are completely rooted in reality, other times they have become grossly exaggerated by dodgy hard-wiring in my brain. Either way, this is my reality, perhaps it differs from yours but I am not misrepresenting myself.
I think the thing I hate most about myself is the need for reassurance, this need is at the core of most Borderlines. When I approach you because I have a concern all I need to feel safe and eased is some indication that you are sympathetic to the intense amount of pain I am going through. Because that’s what this all stems from, I am living in a constant state of fear which is agonizing. Fear that you won’t be here tomorrow. We’re known for personifying the expression of “I hate you, don’t leave me” but I really don’t feel that’s the case. For me I feel like it’s always been “I love you, don’t leave me”. I don’t hate you, I hate myself. I wish I could hate you, it seems much simpler. I love far too fucking easily, I still love people who don’t remember I exist, or who in some cases really wish I didn’t. Isn’t that pathetic?
Still confused? Here’s an exercise for you, go to the BPD ‘loved ones’ subreddit and open any random thread. Count how many people tell you to run from Borderlines and ask yourself why I’m living in such a constant state of terror. I made the mistake of going on there last night and felt the flood of hatred for people like me, there are few times I have hated what I am that much.
So when, if, I ever approach you, please don’t treat me like the monster that society tells you that we are. Listen to me, treat me with respect and I’ll respond in kind. We’re better than this; both Borderlines and nons. Well, I can be better than this. More than I’d like the terror takes over, generally when the words ‘wrong’, ‘calm down’ or ‘irrational’ are being thrown around. Treat me with disrespect and I can become the bitch you’ve assumed I am. I’m working on it, but too often I see those warning signs of abandonment and kick into defensive mode.
If I don’t, if I haven’t approached you, that fear has probably gone too far. Because I can count the people on one hand that I feel (mostly) secure with and still have fingers to spare. I see you moving on with your life which no longer has a place for me and it tears me up inside. Intentionally or not, you’ve broken my heart.