Is it a bit too late for New Years Resolutions? I mean, yes, obviously but screw the rules. I need guidelines, I need clear structure for me to follow in order to objectively make decisions. Really, what I need is a checklist that I follow and when I’m unable to complete it I should spare people the drama of having to interact with me. What would that look like?
See, I think a huge problem is that my filter has completely collapsed. For years I was tight lipped in social situations, bottled more emotions inside than non Borderlines experience in a lifetime and surprise surprise! That bottle completely exploded, causing a lot of damage in the process.
I don’t say things which aren’t a true representation of how I’m feeling, this is a code I have lived by for a long time and this philosophy is so important to me. I think before I speak, but am I being mindful before I speak? That first point about productivity is so important and I so often fail to be objective here. My philosophy needs an upgrade.
Mindfulness is such a common buzzword these days. We teach it in school and it’s something I’m even trying to sneakily slide into art classes. Yeah, it’s a cliched buzzword, but it’s a cliche for a reason.
When we first began to talk about mindfulness in my school we were introduced to a short animation about two wolves. If you haven’t heard this I encourage you to follow the link, because my hasty retelling fails to do it justice. Basically this stems from a Native American story where an elder is speaking to a child. He tells the child that we all have two wolves inside of us. One represents negativity, anger, violence, greed, anything bad you can imagine. The other is kind, compassionate, graceful, the pure embodiment of good. The child asks which wolf will win. The answer is simple: the one we feed.
All humans have these wolves, but as a Borderline this analogy struck me. With our black and white tendencies we are truly ruled by these two wolves. I am desperately trying to feed the good wolf, yet my broken brain betrays me, it feeds the bad wolf instinctively. We are constantly at war with ourselves.
So back to resolutions, I know the only way I can heal is to embrace mindfulness practices consistently. I hope my blog begins to take a more positive shift as I explore strategies.
