Disclaimer: Still not a mental health professional. This blog is merely an exploration of BPD from my perspective as a recently diagnosed Borderline.
Through conversation with others where it has been implied I lack self-awareness or am trying to pass on blame. I’m wondering if I have not made one crucial thing clear throughout my mental health journey.
I mean, I talk about how I often put my foot in my mouth and that I’m generally a fuck up who can’t keep my shit together. But I’m wondering if people just don’t get it.
I fully understand that I am a piece of shit at least 70% of the time. I understand that I have a lot of work to do to maintain functioning, positive relationships. I get that the phrase ‘personality disorder’ means that I can be immensely difficult for people to get along with.
Could my fears of people leaving me, talking about me behind my back or that the people in my life would be better off if I were dead possibly stem a good opinion of myself?
I get it, I really, really get it. The question is, do you?
I am so often told I need to reflect on how my behaviour impacts those around me. I get it. I am not pleasant to be around, I wouldn’t be so fucking lonely if I were.
Here is one thing I want to make blatantly clear: someone who is happy and doesn’t think that they have their own shit that they need to work on doesn’t shell out thousands of dollars a year for treatment. They don’t dedicate their spare time to reading about mental health, learn to meditate and push themselves so far out of their comfort zone in the hopes that they won’t continue to push others out of theirs.
What I do not get, however, is how those who believe they are of perfectly sound mind (yeah, because that TOTALLY exists…) are so quick to pass on judgement and put the entirety of the responsibility for negative situations on those with mental illnesses.
I admit, as a result of this there have been times where I have been reluctant to take on too much responsibility in this regard. Previously when I have apologised that fact has been used as a weapon. You know, the ‘na na na na na na! See, it is your fault!’ response; I’ve even been mocked for teary apologies. I do not feel that blame is productive, whether I am on the receiving end or dishing it out. I have become guarded and no longer want to be in the situation where I end up taking on the entirety of the responsibility for a negative situation. I know this has at times prevented me from moving forward, it’s tricky and I need to find some balance here.
Now, the question is, do you as my readers want to read more about how Borderlines are the scum of the Earth? That the self-loathing, constantly repentant Borderline is the only acceptable form we come in? Or do you want to read something that, in my opinion, is more empowering and challenges stigma? A blog which discusses treatments and progress? One which analyses both successful and unsuccessful interpersonal relationships in an effort to shed some light on this really difficult aspect of BPD?
As always, I am happy for feedback. If you think any of my blog content has been inappropriate and unproductive this is something that I would like the opportunity to discuss. From my perspective this has been a place for healing and reflection, a place where I still have a voice. Somewhere that those in my life who wish to know more about my mental health journey can come and get some insight. Most importantly, somewhere that other Borderlines can come so that they don’t feel alone because I know that similar experiences have helped me immensely. I feel that 80% of the time these goals have been met and that the vast majority of my feedback has been positive.
That being said, while this has been my perspective it may not be how others perceive it. If I have hurt anyone I am truly sorry. This has not been my intention. As I have mentioned previously social awareness is not my strong suit; I am fucking terrible with people and self-expression. Not only do I want to focus on harm reduction in regards to my interactions with others but in how others perceive Borderlines. If I have not represented us well this is something that I would like to work on. I heavily rely on the constructive feedback of my readers to help both the direction of this blog and my own mental health journey.
Thank you for your patience while I had a rather large breakdown. I look forward to return to positive content in the coming weeks.